I get asked this question quite a lot, and I thought a longer response might help clarify a few things. These are relationship assumptions or beliefs that although not often spoken out aloud, drive many of our actions. But are they true, realistic or helpful? Just like in many things in life, there is no guarantee that the one you love will love you back, or love you always.

You may not like their reason for the break-up, their timing or how they did it, but that does not make you a victim. If you are trying to get your ex back because your ego is so badly hurt and you think that getting your ex back will again make you feel good about yourself, you have serious issues. What you need is therapy, not your ex. Holding out on someone you still love and want back in your life does not prove you are mentally strong.

It proves that you are emotionally insecure. There is nothing shameful or demeaning about showing someone that you still love them and want them back. In my opinion, as long as you accept that there are no guarantees that the one you love will love you back, risking rejection is one of the most selfless things to do. If ego and fear have their way, you could be waiting for that text, email or phone call for ever.

To me what this means is that he is an honorable person, and will always be a valued person in my life. Much respect! We have broken up 4 times and I have always been the one who reaches out and tries to work things out.

This time I havent reached out to her and waiting for her to come to me first. I dont want to be the one thats always asking her to come back. Your email address will not be published. More from Yangki Akiteng Wakanda may be a fictional nation, but the language and culture of You may also like. View Comment. Leave a Reply Cancel reply Your email address will not be published.

Before You Go!It was pretty galling. She dumped me and cut off all contact right as my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and just starting her first of 8 surgeries. I'm sure from her perspective there was always going to be bad timing, but she didn't have to withdraw her emotional support. She basically told me not to bother her with what I was going through. But thanks. You'd be suprised that the guys I have dated either cheated on me or dumped me, it's always that way and they leave me for girls who are sluts or beasts.

Mixed28 Xper 5. I think as a dumpee we should cut all contact with the dumper. As a dumpee do you make an effort to talk to your ex. I would like to hear from non mutual breakups. I feel if there is to be a conversation the dumper has to start it. Share Facebook. As a dumpee do you contact your ex? Add Opinion. I look at it as although it hurts to wonder whether you are gonna hear from him tht week. It depends on who treated who badly. The dumper might have dumped you because she had no choice.

In my case, my ex turned out to be a pure narcissist and he doesn't even listen. I had to leave to save myself. If she's wrong, don't even think about contacting her. Do whatever your heart tells you to do.

Unfortunately, once the relationship has been severed, it's now a battle of egos. Only contact her now if you're sure that finding out if it can be salvaged is worth the risk to your ego of her potentially not wanting to get back together. Quadrophonic84 Xper 2. I didn't for a very long time. And then when I made the mistake of looking at her ySpace page this was 5 years ago I saw a blog she wrote about "how to forgive yourself" and sent her a long, long nasty email about why she didn't deserve forgiveness.

I initiated it. She's married now. The other two exes I have, I dumped. Both tried communicating with me first. Sign Up Now! Sort Girls First Guys First. If you don't really care they dumped you, then don't contact them at all 1st. If you think you can get them back be my guest but its usually unlikely unless they still hav feeelings. And if you can't stand them for dumping you, don't even respond to them if they contact you.

should dumpee ever contact dumper

Playing hard to get is what I did when a guy dumped me once. No WAY! IF I get dumped, then I do not initiate contact with them, if they want to contact me then that's fine, but I doubt I will ever get back with them again. OMG who would dump you?!?! Your gorgeous.I got an interesting question from a follower and I wanted to make sure that I address this in a complete and fully-comprehensive way.

It should always be the dumper who initiates. Should this be after at least 30 days of no contact? First of all, thanks Adam for writing and sharing your breakup question. This is a very interesting topic because there are a lot of people who offer breakup advice online, on YouTube and other mediums as well.

Some of them do actually advocate that you should never contact your ex and that it should be your ex who initiates contact with you. And, it causes a lot of people who want to work things out or get back together with ex to feel a little bit out of control in their life.

I know since it was definitely that way when I was going through my breakup with my ex many years ago. Suddenly you have something you can control and that is whether or not you contact your ex. Sure, it might make you feel better and think that you have some degree of control over your life.

But ultimately, people come to me so that I can deliver them results. That is to say— help them get back together with their ex and help them work things out with their partner. My goal in giving you breakup advice is not to help you feel empowered or to boost your self-esteem, although at times, that is a helpful thing to do. My goal is to actually help you get results with relationships.

And, if you walk away from a breakup and you are passively waiting for your ex to contact you, then that is not likely to get you results. So, your ex might never contact you no matter how long you do no contact. So, I find that particularly disempowering.

Rules Of No Contact Every Dumpee Should Follow

Obviously, your ex may not contact you. Beyond that you have to own the fact that maybe you do want to get back together with your ex. They left you.

They walked out of the relationship. They dumped you. They did that because in their mind they had this concept that being out of a relationship with you was going to be better than being in a relationship with you.

You can go ahead and get status. I am in the space of advice on how to help you get the outcomes in relationships that you want. If you want status then go play your mind games. There are all kinds of diets. There are low-carb diets, fruit diets, vegetable diets, high-protein diets, there are all kinds of diets, right?Remember Me?

Buzz Articles Advanced Search. Last Jump to page: Results 1 to 10 of Thread: "Dumpee" contacting the "Dumper". I know there have been other similar threads, but really haven't seen one mostly consisting of dumpees detailing in one place what exactly happened when they contacted the person that dumped them and whether there were positive results or they regretted it.

Or it could serve as inspiration for those that want to reconcile. This would be for those that don't want to use NC as the only option for dealing with the breakup. Dumpers can feel free to detail what happened when someone they dumped contacted them and what the result was. If you could give some brief details about the relationship, like how long you were together, what caused the break, how much time passed before contact was made and what was the result, that would help.

I'm going to talk with my ex next week and Ill tell you what results are like I was the dumper with the ex before this ex. The dumpee contacted me with just a "Hey how have u been? I'd say maybe 5 months later and I welcomed that message very happily as enough time has passed and I had even forgotten why I had dumped them in the first place lol.

I was not interested in reconciling nor did the dumpee ask me to reconcile. They seemed very happy to share what they've been up to and I was very eager to share what I've been up to.

The reason I never initiated contact with him is because I know I had hurt him and felt scared and did not think they wanted to hear from me. To this day we remain good friends. I've only been dumped once in my life which is this last ex and he has yet to contact me after 2. Given I have always been the dumper in the past, I have always welcomed a msg or email from the dumpee and never responded negatively as no cheating or abuse has ever taken place in any of my relationships and they were all good men except their were incompatibility issues.

I think if the dumpee feels they are ready to make contact and be able to keep their cool and not have any expectations and able to forgive and be friendly with their ex then by all means I guarantee the dumper would welcome contact happily The dumper might themselves be waiting for you to contact them as they get scared as well and not sure how to go about making that contact.

I've felt that way as a dumper so it's from my personal experience. I sent him an email accepting the break up and wishing him well.

I've not contacted him since, and it's been really easy for me not to contact him as I know he will not respond - I mean, he wasn't responding when we were supposedly still an item! Three weeks after he broke up with me, I wrote a nice letter to his mother who had been really sweet and nice, thanking her and basically saying goodbye.

I've not heard from her either, and wasn't expecting to. He's the first ex I've ever gone NC with - as I find his behaviour before the split cold and callous. I've got no desire to hear from him and I'd sooner stick a fork in my eye than attempt any contact with him. Heartbroken - Have you ever felt as the dumper you might consider them when they contacted you?

Also were these long relationships?The rules of no contact are very straightforward, yet so many people refuse to follow them down to the T. Some dumpees instead choose to implement their own versions of no contact and in doing so, prolong the grieving stage. Your life is yours to take care of so make the rules of no contact about you first and your ex second.

Or even if your ex comes back and all you did in no contact was think and cry about your ex, then you would still be pretty desperate and emotionally dependent on your ex. This would occur due to a lack of self-love.

You can avoid this unnecessary ex-partner reverence by improving your emotional and mental well-being. Your ex will have become an equal instead. The rules of no contact apply to all broken-hearted dumpees who want to get over their exes, get their exes back or to those who want both. There are probably many more cases where the rules of no contact apply, but the point is that the indefinite no contact rule is the solution to most situations.

This is because after the breakup— especially if it was your faultyour ex needs time — a lot of time.

should dumpee ever contact dumper

Moreover, if you try to speed up the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumperthe breakup would only blow up in your face, causing even more damage to the already broken relationship.

Insecure behavior would force your ex to think less of you, which would push him or her away. It would also worsen your post-breakup persona as well as your mental health. Once the dumpee gets broken up with, his or her final exam has ended and the result is the breakup. There is no immediate retake of this exam as your ex first needs to reject you. And only once he or she has personally experienced failure, will your ex be willing to give your failure another chance.

The basic rules of no contact consist of self-imposed restrictions which you must never, ever break. These deliberate setbacks can be prevented as long as you diligently follow and respect the rules of no contact.

Nothing matters more than your recovery after the breakup so it might be best you start looking for a way to prioritize yourself over your ex and instead give yourself the love you so badly deserve.

should dumpee ever contact dumper

Luckily, the basic rules of no contact are here for you to help you retain your self-esteem, confidence and at the same time, help you improve your health. To prevent slip-ups, such as pushing your ex away and ruining your chances, you must go no contact immediately after the breakup.

No buts, ifs, whys, and hows. These 6 basic, yet prominent rules of no contact will portray high self-esteem and confidence and either cultivate your desired results or help you move on with dignity. Trust me about this and believe in the healing power of no contact.

The intermediate rules of no contact are all about giving your ex everything he or she has asked for. Since a breakup demands a physical and emotional separation, stepping back and letting your ex have it his or her way is essential.

By no means should you bargain with the dumper when the deal is final. Out of respect as well as self-respect, allow your ex to experience relief, elation and eventually nostalgia so distance yourself from him or her. Give your ex more space than possible and sit tight. These 4 rules of no contact are more of a guideline and something you need to remember after the breakup.

They work like a rubber band as they hook around your ex and stretch and stretch until the rubber band stretches as far as it can before it comes shooting back at the speed of light. It works one day at a time at a very slow pace. Intermediate rules of no contact have a second part. They are about repairing your post-breakup persona.

Any begging, apologizing, promising, incessant messaging, calling and even some pre-breakup flaws are slowly being forgotten over time. Please note that this will not happen during the day no contact rule because that rule is not an effective rule.

Forgetting a few bad memories will happen over many, many months. Our brains continuously rewrite old memories. Every time we remember a scene from the past, we change a thing or two about it and store new information in our long-term memory.The no contact rule can be classified into three different no contact stages.

I will categorize these three stages of no contact for the dumpee by the intensity of grief, anxiety, pain, and self-improvement. Dumpees go through painful emotional upheavals after the breakup. In this article, I will define the long-term effects of stress and anxiety and explain how you can utilize depression to your advantage. Stages of grief, anxiety, and improvements are represented in chronological order from the moment the dumpee starts following the indefinite no contact. Here are the 3 painful stages of no contact for the dumpee.

The first of the three stages of no contact for the dumpee is the withdrawal stage.

5 Stages Of A Break Up For The Dumper

During this stage, the dumpee suffers extreme withdrawals, mood swings and experiences all sorts of negative emotions. Because the dumpee is in denial, he desperately tries to reason with himself and convince himself his relationship is not over just yet. A day or two after the breakup, his emotions of grief overcome the dumpee and he begins to feel the consequences of the breakup grief. Panic during waking hours is one of the most common symptoms a dumpee usually goes through in the withdrawal stage.

The what ifs, coulds, and shoulds plague the conscious mind of the abandoned warrior so strongly, the dumpee begins to fall deep into depression.

A person experiencing post-breakup withdrawals will experience both physical and emotional symptoms. Dumpee in the withdrawal stage of no contact for the dumpee is prone to many of the above-listed symptoms and diseases. In general, stress is a huge deteriorator to any human being and must be dealt with swiftly and efficiently.

There are many ways of dealing with stress, anxiety, and depression. It goes like this. The first stage of no contact for the dumpee lasts about a week and can sometimes even go up to two weeks.

Dumpers: What are the reasons you re-intiate contact after NC from dumpee

If it goes longer than that, please make sure to seek professional help and get your anxiety levels under control. In the 2nd stage of no contact for the dumpee, the slow and steady healing process finally begins.

After getting knocked down to the ground and being at his lowest for a week or two, the dumpee enters a stage of depression. In this stage, he becomes utterly obsessed with his ex and oftentimes starts looking for excuses to reach out. The dumpee believes if his ex gave him just one more chance, he would surely make things right.

The broken-hearted dumpee in the depression stage of no contact chases happiness from the person that is the least willing to give it to him when he should strongly focus inwardly on his well-being and the people that care about him. Every second you spend worrying, you spend killing yourself. The emotional anguish in your brain is sending signals throughout your body, affecting organs and body parts. Most of the time, we can feel these changes and other times, they appear on a subliminal level.

Everything his ex says and does, the dumpee analyzes in and out. If the dumper does something as little as changing her lipstick, the dumpee immediately thinks of a hundred reasons why his ex may be acting so out of character. Since dumpees are empowered by the desperation to improve themselves, many dumpees consciously, as well as subconsciously open the doors to self-improvement.

Reading articles, videos and doing lots of thinking, enables them to grow immensely and rewire their beliefs. If we consider the fact that what we say and do is preconceived in our minds, we can state that when one changes his thoughts, he changes his emotions. This means that dumpees have the ability to easily change themselves and the way they feel toward people.

With some soul-searching, things that bothered, annoyed and angered dumpees before the breakup, will no longer affect them after.It was pretty galling.

She dumped me and cut off all contact right as my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and just starting her first of 8 surgeries. I'm sure from her perspective there was always going to be bad timing, but she didn't have to withdraw her emotional support.

She basically told me not to bother her with what I was going through. But thanks. You'd be suprised that the guys I have dated either cheated on me or dumped me, it's always that way and they leave me for girls who are sluts or beasts. Mixed28 Xper 5. I think as a dumpee we should cut all contact with the dumper. As a dumpee do you make an effort to talk to your ex.

I would like to hear from non mutual breakups. I feel if there is to be a conversation the dumper has to start it. Share Facebook. As a dumpee do you contact your ex?

Add Opinion. I look at it as although it hurts to wonder whether you are gonna hear from him tht week. It depends on who treated who badly. The dumper might have dumped you because she had no choice. In my case, my ex turned out to be a pure narcissist and he doesn't even listen. I had to leave to save myself.

Some breakup etiquette for the dumpee

If she's wrong, don't even think about contacting her. Do whatever your heart tells you to do.

should dumpee ever contact dumper

Unfortunately, once the relationship has been severed, it's now a battle of egos. Only contact her now if you're sure that finding out if it can be salvaged is worth the risk to your ego of her potentially not wanting to get back together. Quadrophonic84 Xper 2. I didn't for a very long time. And then when I made the mistake of looking at her ySpace page this was 5 years ago I saw a blog she wrote about "how to forgive yourself" and sent her a long, long nasty email about why she didn't deserve forgiveness.

I initiated it. She's married now. The other two exes I have, I dumped. Both tried communicating with me first. Sign Up Now! Sort Girls First Guys First. If you don't really care they dumped you, then don't contact them at all 1st.

If you think you can get them back be my guest but its usually unlikely unless they still hav feeelings. And if you can't stand them for dumping you, don't even respond to them if they contact you.